It's more than acknowledging kid's feelings

I went to a yoga class today and was inspired to write this blog. Yoga teachers use a trick when you're stuck in an uncomfortable pose - they tell you a story about what happened to them earlier in the day or week. So there I was in half-pigeon, and the teacher told us a story. She was driving her kids home from a trip to Philadelphia, when her son had a panick attack about how long the trip was taking. She acknowledged his feelings by telling him, "I know you're having a hard time with this and you wish we could be home sooner." Then she continued by saying, "but, you getting nervous isn't going to make us get there any quicker. We don't have lightening suits to blast us to Boston any faster, so just sit tight, and we'll get there eventually."

Well, she got the first part right. Acknowledge your kid's feelings, both positive and negative. Often times, it's not until the negative feelings come out that the positive ones can come in. But the next part, she got all wrong. She negated his feelings by telling him that they weren't helping the situation. So often, I hear moms say the right thing, only to be followed by the big BUT that completely works against their goal. "I know you really want the cookie, but..." "I know you're really angry, but..." The next time you find yourself in this situation, don't finish your thought with a BUT. Instead, continue the train of thought you started with acknowledging the feeling, and then continue by allowing the child to fully express the emotion. One way to do this is by giving the child in his imagination what he can't have in reality.

Perhaps she could have said, "I know you're having a hard time with this and you wish we could be home sooner. Wouldn't it be cool if we all had lightening suits, and we could just beam ourselves home instantly?" Now she has opened a door into a very fun conversation about lightening suits that could actually make the car ride seem to go by faster. Plus, she has not put her son's feelings in a negative light, as she did with her version of the story.

So, step number one is to acknowledge the negative feelings without putting any conditional BUTS on it. Step number two is to allow the child to fully express himself, either in fantasy or some other way, such as drawing a picture, telling a story, or using a prop. Let me know how it goes. Namaste.