It's more than acknowledging kid's feelings

I went to a yoga class today and was inspired to write this blog. Yoga teachers use a trick when you're stuck in an uncomfortable pose - they tell you a story about what happened to them earlier in the day or week. So there I was in half-pigeon, and the teacher told us a story. She was driving her kids home from a trip to Philadelphia, when her son had a panick attack about how long the trip was taking. She acknowledged his feelings by telling him, "I know you're having a hard time with this and you wish we could be home sooner." Then she continued by saying, "but, you getting nervous isn't going to make us get there any quicker. We don't have lightening suits to blast us to Boston any faster, so just sit tight, and we'll get there eventually."

Well, she got the first part right. Acknowledge your kid's feelings, both positive and negative. Often times, it's not until the negative feelings come out that the positive ones can come in. But the next part, she got all wrong. She negated his feelings by telling him that they weren't helping the situation. So often, I hear moms say the right thing, only to be followed by the big BUT that completely works against their goal. "I know you really want the cookie, but..." "I know you're really angry, but..." The next time you find yourself in this situation, don't finish your thought with a BUT. Instead, continue the train of thought you started with acknowledging the feeling, and then continue by allowing the child to fully express the emotion. One way to do this is by giving the child in his imagination what he can't have in reality.

Perhaps she could have said, "I know you're having a hard time with this and you wish we could be home sooner. Wouldn't it be cool if we all had lightening suits, and we could just beam ourselves home instantly?" Now she has opened a door into a very fun conversation about lightening suits that could actually make the car ride seem to go by faster. Plus, she has not put her son's feelings in a negative light, as she did with her version of the story.

So, step number one is to acknowledge the negative feelings without putting any conditional BUTS on it. Step number two is to allow the child to fully express himself, either in fantasy or some other way, such as drawing a picture, telling a story, or using a prop. Let me know how it goes. Namaste.

Making Connections

Remember I wrote an earlier blog about how I felt talking to people about Snip-its? Basically, unless I was the one doing the talking, I felt very disconnected from other people. But something amazing happened when I started talking to people about Empowered Girls. Suddenly, I was connecting! It felt amazing! I give my elevator pitch on Empowered Girls, and all of a sudden, I’m getting CEOs and investment bankers telling me about their kids, or their siblings, or their parents. And guess what, we are all just the same (only different) – people looking for acceptance, positive reinforcement, and human connections. Instead of, “Gee, Snip-its sounds like an interesting business. What are your EBITDA margins?”, With Empowered Girls, I’m getting, “Wow, I have a daughter in college, and I sure wish I could have understood her better in her preteen years.” Or, “Yeah, my sister struggles with her kids, and I can see it stemming back from the way our mother treated her.” Who knew that the CEO of a fortune 500 company is also the adult child of critical parents? It’s been an amazing revelation!

Suddenly the barriers come down, the professional demeanor is gone, and we are just two people relating about things more important (really!) than EBITDA margins. This revelation got me thinking about how making human connections might actually be a better way to do business. I know I feel a strong connection on a deeper level with my family and close friends; what would it be like to connect in the same way with my co-workers and community of business associates? Do you know that to this day I do not know if that first investor has children? I don’t know if he still works or is retired, or anything about him. It’s amazing really that he chose to invest in Snip-its – in me – when we really had no connection at all.

I started to think about the people I associate with in my Snip-its world – the stylists in the salons, the corporate team, my board of directors, and even the vendors, lawyers, and advisors I work with. There are a few who I felt connected to, but most I felt kind of nervous and distant around. It had to be all business. But those few I felt closer to – it became obvious – it was because we had made friends. We talked about our kids and our lives outside of work, and we made a connection. Then we started doing business. It is those people who have worked for or with Snip-its for the longest time. They work the hardest for me, and I work hard for them. Neither wants to let the other one down. And the relationship grows fruitfully.

Are you thinking about the people in your organization? I bet specific names come to mind. Either someone you have a strong bond with or maybe someone you realize you don’t even know if they are married or not. I read a book once that recommended the CEO should know every employee’s birthday, and not just that, know their children’s birthdays too, and send a card to their home address. Sounded like a good idea when I read it a decade ago, but now it just seems like a gimmick – an insincere way to trick your employees in to thinking you care. How could it possibly work? Especially when we don’t treat our employees as personal friends throughout day-to-day business dealings. Sometimes we don’t even think of our employees and associates as people, but rather a means to an end like a computer program or some other tool we need to get ahead.

And yet, we’ve all heard how people don’t leave companies; they leave people. Get the right people on the bus. All the fancy management tactics in the world won’t help if you’ve got the wrong people on the team. It’s always interpersonal conflict that causes problems, and there are thousands of books written to address these sorts of business issues. Some of them are actually pretty good, but most of them, quite frankly (and this is just my opinion), suck. They tell you what to say and how to behave to be a “winner”, but they – those authors and business experts – don’t even know you. And we are all too smart to fall for some scripted scheme designed to make us better communicators. Remember the books about active listening. You’re supposed to lean forward and say, “so what I hear you saying is…blah blah blah.” Would you really fall for that? It’s so fake.

I think the message here is that we have to get real and be human in our business relations. It's good for our spirit and it's good for business!

Giving Back

Empowered Girls is all about helping middle-school aged girls build their self-confidence and self-esteem. As someone who has battled self-esteem issues all her life, I come from the perspective that most women are like me and have struggled at least in parts of their lives with self-esteem issues. While that's likely true, there are many girls and women for whom self-esteem is not such a big issue. They may struggle from time to time or with certain areas of their lives, but for the mostpart, they are confident and feel good about themselves. There is an important issue that many girls face - regardless of whether or not they struggle with self-esteem. If they already know they are unique, talented and wonderful, they must figure out what to do with this power. How do I contribute my talents and strengths to the world? The answer is different for everyone, but it's an important conversation for mothers to have with their daughters starting in middle-school, especially for girls with low self-confidence. As parents, we need to help our daughters figure out how to use their talents and interests to give back. Either through charities, community organizations, or even just in the neighborhood, everyone should find some way to give back. It doesn't necessarily have to be helping those less fortunate, though that's always a worthy endeavor. It could be tutoring or teaching something you know to younger children, or organizing events that bring like-minded girls together. Whatever your daughters can do to give back will pay off with big rewards, including perhaps increased self-esteem!

Self-Esteem Workshop

I taught my first Empowered Girls Self-Esteem Workshop on June 14th. I was a lot of fun and very eye-opening, and I'd like to thank the girls and their moms who attended this first pilot test of the program. I've learned a few things already. First, this is a very important curriculum for all middleschool-aged girls and their mothers. It gets both mother and daughter thinking and talking about the subject of self-esteem - how we view ourselves and how we think about our self-worth. We started the workshop with introductions, and I asked the girls to say their names, something they think is beautiful about them, and something they like about their personalities. None of the girls could answer the question about what was beautiful about them. Either they were shy or embarassed or didn't want to seem conceited, but whatever the reason, it was a dramatic start to the session that the mothers and I all realized made the session all the more important. I think that by the end they could have answered the question more easily. As we went through the exercises and topics, the girls started to open up and feel more comfortable, and by the end, everyone had made new friends. Another thing I learned is that the workshops are as important, if not more important, for the moms as they are for the girls. The purpose of the workshop is to spark the conversations between mothers and daughters, and we definitely did that. There is no way anyone left the workshop without continuing to talk about some of the topics as they come up in real life. We did a section on peer pressure and one on the role of the media, and both got the mothers and daughters talking. All in all, I am proud of the work we did, and I am looking forward to refining the program and teaching more workshops around the MetroWest area of Boston. The summer will likely be slow, but check back to my website from time to time to check the schedule of workshops for the fall. Empowered girls rock!

The Transition from Snip-its to Empowered Girls

I spent 15 years as the founder and CEO of Snip-its, and I used to think I had a pretty awesome business – one that was interesting and easy to talk about. When people asked me about Snip-its, I was (and still am) very animated and passionate about the subject. But when I would interact with other CEOs and successful people, and the subject matter was not Snip-its, I would get very intimidated. Especially with people in high tech or financial jobs, I felt like a bumbling idiot, with nothing in common and no right to be associated in any way with such smart and successful people. People would tell me I was a typical entrepreneur and that all entrepreneurs are insecure and feel like they don’t measure up, but I couldn’t get over feeling like the only loser and faker in the crowd.

My insecurities stem way back to my formative years. I am the adult child of a very critical parent, and since I was told all my life that I wasn’t smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, or athletic enough, it’s no wonder that I am today a bundle of insecurities. I hide it well (sometimes), but underneath this confident exterior is a little kid who could never be as good at anything as her brother.

Now I am an adult, and I have four children, ranging from 5 to 18 in age. The youngest is my only girl. Somehow, my boys have grown up very confident and secure, but instantly when I became a mother of a little girl, I knew I had to get over myself if I was going to raise her to be confident, empowered, unique, strong, authentic, worthy, and beautiful from the inside out. Pretty big challenge in front of me – so much so that when the opportunity to step away from Snip-its arose, I decided to start a new venture around this idea of raising empowered girls. It’s called, guess what, Empowered Girls. The Company’s vision is to help build self-esteem in young girls so they can grow up into confident, successful, and happy women. Did you know:

*Up to age 7, girls generally have very high self-esteem. They feel limitless! But self-esteem begins to decline as girls become more aware of outside influences, opinions, and expectations.

*Girls ages 9 to 14 are most vulnerable to experience low self-esteem, which can lead to depression, reckless behavior, or even suicide.

*The most important influencer on a girl’s self-esteem is her mother – it’s not the media or peers, but rather the one adult female role model closest to the child.

*Many women say dealing with insecurities and low self-esteem is a life-long battle.

Empowered Girls provides the tools for young girls and their mothers (or other significant female role model) to develop and maintain high self-esteem, feel good about their unique talents and interests, and feel beautiful from the inside out. So far, Empowered Girls is just an idea I’m working on, pondering, and trying to figure out how to make it a viable business. I’ve created a self-esteem workshop for middle school-aged girls and their mothers, but I haven’t taught one yet (though my first one is on June 14th in Framingham MA if you or someone you know would like to sign up - it's free!). I also have a brilliant idea for a book, but of course, I haven’t started writing it yet. But, eventually I'll get to everything. For now, I'm just really enjoying thinking about and talking about my new venture, and seeing how people react. So far so good. In fact, I'm making better connections with people from all walks of life, CEO, techies, and financiers included, when the conversation starts with something so personal as one's self-esteem. I'm learning a lot, and I'll continue to share.

A Whole New Box to Think Outside

Business-speak often tells us to think outside the box, meaning to be creative and not stick to conventional wisdom. But there is a whole other box we are trapped inside that could be killing your self-esteem. It's the box of self-deception. We see things from our own perspective and not as they really are. Let me give you an example. You work hard at your job and hope to get promoted through the ranks to executive level. You're the first one at the office in the morning and the last one at night. You read lots of business books to help you manage your team, and you try really hard to be a fun, fair, and firm manager. Sometimes you miss your kid's soccer games because you put in hours on the weekend, and you are hoping that all this will pay off with a promotion and a raise. From your perspective, you are doing everything right, and yet you get passed up for the promotion by one of your colleagues who doesn't work half as hard as you do.

The problem here is that YOU are the problem, and you don't even know it. You are in a box inside your own head, and you can only see things from your perspective - the perspective described above. What if you could see yourself from other people's perspective? Your boss sees that you missed a deadline for an important project (even though in your head you're thinking you worked your butt off trying to make it happen, and you were only a day late). The people who report to you think you are too bossy and don't listen very well (even though you think you're a great listener - you even read a book on active listening). Your kid thinks work is more important to you than he is (although in your mind you justified missing the game by telling yourself you would go to the next one). In reality, you are inside the box and can't get out.

We are all guilty of being inside the box from time to time. We blame other people for our shortcomings or misfortunes, when we actually are simply not seeing things as they really are. Imagine if you could step outside the box and see things as a dispassionate observer, simply taking note of what you see. You would see things very differently, and maybe change your actions to be more in tune with the circumstances. You would look at yourself and others more objectively, and this would allow you to be more genuine and direct with people. You would be more in tune with what other people are thinking. Being outside the box gives you a wonderful opportunity to connect with people in a way that is authentic and truthful. In fact, we can always tell when someone is not being genuine - their words say one thing but their body language and tone say another. Business-speak only gets you so far when it's not authentically you speaking it.

Try spending a day as a dispassionate observer of your life. Try not to judge yourself too harshly when you cut someone off on your way to work because your commute is more important than the other guy's. Just notice how often we behave inside the box, taking only our own perspective into account when making decisions. You might find that the next day you are much more connected and tuned in to others. Your actions will follow your newfound connections, and you just might find a big boost in your self-esteem!

Emotions

It is our job as parents to help our daughters express their feelings, both positive and negative. Keeping things bottled in and feeling like no one understands can be very damaging to a girl's self-esteem, not to mention having potentially dangerous consequences like changes in appetite, loss of sleep, or anxiety. Many parents tell their children their feelings are wrong or incorrect. For example, have you ever told your daughter she must be cold and should wear a sweater, even though she tells you she is warm. Even this type of simple example is indicative of a bigger problem, especially as girls get older and start having more complicated emotions. Just by being aware, we can begin to change our behavior and earn the trust of our daughters to open up to us, and here are some concrete things you can start doing now.

Help your daughter identify her feelings. Give her the words like angry, frustrated, sad, scared, annoyed, hopeless, sorry, guilty or ashamed. Make sure you also give her positive emotions to name as well: happy, proud, brave, loving, hopeful, grateful, excited, thrilled, etc. Sometimes it's difficult for young girls to put labels on their emotions because they don't have the language or ability to connect the feeling with a particular word, so providing a list of words can help get things started. Next, rate the feelings as mild, medium, strong, or over the top. Let your daughter decide for herself how intense her feelings are, and do NOT judge or comment.

With these tools, you can start the dialog about feelings. Open communications are the best way to sort out difficult feelings. Feelings can have physical reactions, and that's perfectly normal. Getting tense muscles, feeling knots in your stomach, sweating, shaking, blushing, heart pounding, or dizziness are physical reactions from your brain's messages that you are having intense feelings. Everyone has physical reactions to intense feelings. Talking about your feelings is one of the best ways to releive the physical discomforts, but in order to feel safe talking about your feelings, you have to have someone you can really trust on the other side of the conversation - someone who will listen and not judge and someone who will love you no matter what.

Some girls feel better if they wait to talk about their emotions until they have calmed down a bit. That's great too. Some things you can do to calm down include deep breathing, relaxation exercises, physical exercise, dancing, listening to music, doing a craft or hobby, or sleeping. These are all great ways to calm down the feelings so they are more manageable.

There are lots of great books that can help you find the communication skills to be a trusted confidant to your daughters. One of my favorites is How to Talk so Kids will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You can also read the American Girl "Body and Mind" books with your daughters. It's never too late (or too early) so get started!