The Transition from Snip-its to Empowered Girls

I spent 15 years as the founder and CEO of Snip-its, and I used to think I had a pretty awesome business – one that was interesting and easy to talk about. When people asked me about Snip-its, I was (and still am) very animated and passionate about the subject. But when I would interact with other CEOs and successful people, and the subject matter was not Snip-its, I would get very intimidated. Especially with people in high tech or financial jobs, I felt like a bumbling idiot, with nothing in common and no right to be associated in any way with such smart and successful people. People would tell me I was a typical entrepreneur and that all entrepreneurs are insecure and feel like they don’t measure up, but I couldn’t get over feeling like the only loser and faker in the crowd.

My insecurities stem way back to my formative years. I am the adult child of a very critical parent, and since I was told all my life that I wasn’t smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, or athletic enough, it’s no wonder that I am today a bundle of insecurities. I hide it well (sometimes), but underneath this confident exterior is a little kid who could never be as good at anything as her brother.

Now I am an adult, and I have four children, ranging from 5 to 18 in age. The youngest is my only girl. Somehow, my boys have grown up very confident and secure, but instantly when I became a mother of a little girl, I knew I had to get over myself if I was going to raise her to be confident, empowered, unique, strong, authentic, worthy, and beautiful from the inside out. Pretty big challenge in front of me – so much so that when the opportunity to step away from Snip-its arose, I decided to start a new venture around this idea of raising empowered girls. It’s called, guess what, Empowered Girls. The Company’s vision is to help build self-esteem in young girls so they can grow up into confident, successful, and happy women. Did you know:

*Up to age 7, girls generally have very high self-esteem. They feel limitless! But self-esteem begins to decline as girls become more aware of outside influences, opinions, and expectations.

*Girls ages 9 to 14 are most vulnerable to experience low self-esteem, which can lead to depression, reckless behavior, or even suicide.

*The most important influencer on a girl’s self-esteem is her mother – it’s not the media or peers, but rather the one adult female role model closest to the child.

*Many women say dealing with insecurities and low self-esteem is a life-long battle.

Empowered Girls provides the tools for young girls and their mothers (or other significant female role model) to develop and maintain high self-esteem, feel good about their unique talents and interests, and feel beautiful from the inside out. So far, Empowered Girls is just an idea I’m working on, pondering, and trying to figure out how to make it a viable business. I’ve created a self-esteem workshop for middle school-aged girls and their mothers, but I haven’t taught one yet (though my first one is on June 14th in Framingham MA if you or someone you know would like to sign up - it's free!). I also have a brilliant idea for a book, but of course, I haven’t started writing it yet. But, eventually I'll get to everything. For now, I'm just really enjoying thinking about and talking about my new venture, and seeing how people react. So far so good. In fact, I'm making better connections with people from all walks of life, CEO, techies, and financiers included, when the conversation starts with something so personal as one's self-esteem. I'm learning a lot, and I'll continue to share.

A Whole New Box to Think Outside

Business-speak often tells us to think outside the box, meaning to be creative and not stick to conventional wisdom. But there is a whole other box we are trapped inside that could be killing your self-esteem. It's the box of self-deception. We see things from our own perspective and not as they really are. Let me give you an example. You work hard at your job and hope to get promoted through the ranks to executive level. You're the first one at the office in the morning and the last one at night. You read lots of business books to help you manage your team, and you try really hard to be a fun, fair, and firm manager. Sometimes you miss your kid's soccer games because you put in hours on the weekend, and you are hoping that all this will pay off with a promotion and a raise. From your perspective, you are doing everything right, and yet you get passed up for the promotion by one of your colleagues who doesn't work half as hard as you do.

The problem here is that YOU are the problem, and you don't even know it. You are in a box inside your own head, and you can only see things from your perspective - the perspective described above. What if you could see yourself from other people's perspective? Your boss sees that you missed a deadline for an important project (even though in your head you're thinking you worked your butt off trying to make it happen, and you were only a day late). The people who report to you think you are too bossy and don't listen very well (even though you think you're a great listener - you even read a book on active listening). Your kid thinks work is more important to you than he is (although in your mind you justified missing the game by telling yourself you would go to the next one). In reality, you are inside the box and can't get out.

We are all guilty of being inside the box from time to time. We blame other people for our shortcomings or misfortunes, when we actually are simply not seeing things as they really are. Imagine if you could step outside the box and see things as a dispassionate observer, simply taking note of what you see. You would see things very differently, and maybe change your actions to be more in tune with the circumstances. You would look at yourself and others more objectively, and this would allow you to be more genuine and direct with people. You would be more in tune with what other people are thinking. Being outside the box gives you a wonderful opportunity to connect with people in a way that is authentic and truthful. In fact, we can always tell when someone is not being genuine - their words say one thing but their body language and tone say another. Business-speak only gets you so far when it's not authentically you speaking it.

Try spending a day as a dispassionate observer of your life. Try not to judge yourself too harshly when you cut someone off on your way to work because your commute is more important than the other guy's. Just notice how often we behave inside the box, taking only our own perspective into account when making decisions. You might find that the next day you are much more connected and tuned in to others. Your actions will follow your newfound connections, and you just might find a big boost in your self-esteem!

Emotions

It is our job as parents to help our daughters express their feelings, both positive and negative. Keeping things bottled in and feeling like no one understands can be very damaging to a girl's self-esteem, not to mention having potentially dangerous consequences like changes in appetite, loss of sleep, or anxiety. Many parents tell their children their feelings are wrong or incorrect. For example, have you ever told your daughter she must be cold and should wear a sweater, even though she tells you she is warm. Even this type of simple example is indicative of a bigger problem, especially as girls get older and start having more complicated emotions. Just by being aware, we can begin to change our behavior and earn the trust of our daughters to open up to us, and here are some concrete things you can start doing now.

Help your daughter identify her feelings. Give her the words like angry, frustrated, sad, scared, annoyed, hopeless, sorry, guilty or ashamed. Make sure you also give her positive emotions to name as well: happy, proud, brave, loving, hopeful, grateful, excited, thrilled, etc. Sometimes it's difficult for young girls to put labels on their emotions because they don't have the language or ability to connect the feeling with a particular word, so providing a list of words can help get things started. Next, rate the feelings as mild, medium, strong, or over the top. Let your daughter decide for herself how intense her feelings are, and do NOT judge or comment.

With these tools, you can start the dialog about feelings. Open communications are the best way to sort out difficult feelings. Feelings can have physical reactions, and that's perfectly normal. Getting tense muscles, feeling knots in your stomach, sweating, shaking, blushing, heart pounding, or dizziness are physical reactions from your brain's messages that you are having intense feelings. Everyone has physical reactions to intense feelings. Talking about your feelings is one of the best ways to releive the physical discomforts, but in order to feel safe talking about your feelings, you have to have someone you can really trust on the other side of the conversation - someone who will listen and not judge and someone who will love you no matter what.

Some girls feel better if they wait to talk about their emotions until they have calmed down a bit. That's great too. Some things you can do to calm down include deep breathing, relaxation exercises, physical exercise, dancing, listening to music, doing a craft or hobby, or sleeping. These are all great ways to calm down the feelings so they are more manageable.

There are lots of great books that can help you find the communication skills to be a trusted confidant to your daughters. One of my favorites is How to Talk so Kids will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You can also read the American Girl "Body and Mind" books with your daughters. It's never too late (or too early) so get started!

Communicating to Connect

Remember the old Charlie Brown cartoons where whenever the mom spoke, it sounded like "WaWaWa"? That actually holds a valuable lesson, and it's one that will help you communicate better, not only with your children, but with everyone you want to connect with in life. We hear what matters to us, and tune the rest out, so be sure your communications are relevant to your audience. It's a two-way street. How many times have you tuned out when your boss or your kids or someone on the phone is talking to you? And how often do you think other people tune you out when you are speaking?

It presents an interesting issue. So often, we speak for ourselves, not for the intended audience - or we don't change the words we are saying even after our audience has tuned us out. When you are speaking to someone, think about that person, not yourself, while you are talking. If you are face-to-face, really look at the person and see what they are thinking. When we get wrapped up in ourselves, either because we are nervous or self conscious, we lose our audience. Instead, try thinking about what the other person is thinking and feeling as you are speaking. Try to relax and get the blood flowing to your brain, so you're not on auto-pilot. See if you can find something positive in the other person and focus on that. You will be amazed at how you can connect with other people when you get out of your own head.

You can do the same thing when you are listening as well. Try not to get distracted, stay relaxed, and focus on the positive of the other person.

This works really well with children, who need a lot of positive affirmations to help build their confidence and self-esteem. When your daughter has something to say, really listen. Don't just say, "nice job" or "good girl". That's better than nothing, but what would be best is a specific comment on what you heard. "I like the way you handled that situation by getting your teacher involved." "You did a great job matching your outfit. The blue looks really nice with your eyes."

I guarantee you will see better communications and therefore better connections with the people who matter in your life.

Are you multi-tasking or just being rude?

I am writing this blog while listening in on a conference call from my office. It’s OK though because I’ve got my phone on mute, so nobody can hear the clicking of my keyboard. It makes me feel like I’m getting a lot done to be multitasking like this. While I listen, I sometimes order my groceries, shop on the Internet, review my emails and participate on the call. Sometimes I send an email to someone else who is on the same call, so they know what I am up to – and guess what? Almost always, I get a reply instantly. Are we multitasking or just being rude?

Norman Fischer, a well-known Zen teacher, says there is no such thing as multitasking. When we think we are doing many things at once, what we are really doing is switching from one thing to another in rapid succession. According to Fischer, the brain can only consciously focus on one thing at a time, so we really cannot ever do one task with the commitment it deserves.

For instance, have you ever driven home from work on autopilot? When you pull into your driveway, you wondered how you actually got there? Your mind was on something else entirely! This is an example of not being conscious that could lead to tragic consequences.

At the least, multitasking is rude – to your friends, family, co-workers, and even yourself. At the most, it could cost you dearly – with a tragic accident or the loss of relationships.

I’m not sure why we all feel the need to move through life at warp speed. Even as technology advances, supposedly making our lives more organized and easier, we still cannot keep up with all the information coming at us all day long. I think back to my father’s generation, and he did not even have an answering machine. Yet he was a very successful businessman. I think we could all stand to slow down and be more mindful and present.

I admit that I am a multitasker, sometimes at the expense of common courtesy or present focus. But I am making a commitment to at least try to be more courteous and focused. I believe it will improve my health, my relationships, and my life. Gotta go, so I can pay attention to my conference call!

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry can be healthy in small doses, but often times the competition and fighting between siblings can get serious and have lasting consequences on a child's self-esteem. Of course, most sibling rivalry is about vying for the parent's love and attention - it usually has very little to do with the children's feelings towards each other. That's good news because it means we, as parents, can help. The first piece of advice I would give is to love your children uniquely. Most parents think they need to dole out the love in equal doses, so if one kid gets something, the other does too (even if she doesn't need it). I've heard many arguements of "you gave her more than me!" or "her piece is bigger than mine!" or even "you love her more than me!" Imagine how much trouble you can get into trying to be exactly equal all the time. Not only will your children's rivalry continue to escalate, you will probably go crazy! I heard about a dad who was making pancakes for his two daughters, and they kept complaining that the other had more or a bigger pancake or more syrup. The dad kept trying to make them both happy by making things equal, so he just kept making more pancakes trying for an exact size and shape, until he had run out of pancake batter - at which point everyone was still in a big fight! So here is a better way to handle this type of situation: Daughter #! says, "She has more than me! I want more!" Dad says, "Oh, are you still hungry? Would you like a half a pancake or are you hungry enough for a whole?" You can see that this response will dissipate the rivalry - each child gets what she needs, not what the other has. Have you ever bought one child a pair of socks even though she didn't need it - just because you were buying the other kid some socks and you didn't want any fighting? This type of equal treatment actually increases fighting and rivalry among siblings. A harder issue to deal with is claiming equal love for your children. When your child asks, "Do you love her more than me?", most parents will respond, "I love you both the same." I can promise you, your kids will never believe you if you say that! Instead you should say something like, "Each of you is special to be, and I love you just the way you are. You are my only Robin in the whole world, and there's no one else like you! I'm so lucky to have you for my daughter!" This makes Robin feel special and unique and takes her sibling out of the equation of who gets more love. It's important to give in terms of each child's needs and their individual personalities. Don't love your children equally - love them uniquely!