Emotions

It is our job as parents to help our daughters express their feelings, both positive and negative. Keeping things bottled in and feeling like no one understands can be very damaging to a girl's self-esteem, not to mention having potentially dangerous consequences like changes in appetite, loss of sleep, or anxiety. Many parents tell their children their feelings are wrong or incorrect. For example, have you ever told your daughter she must be cold and should wear a sweater, even though she tells you she is warm. Even this type of simple example is indicative of a bigger problem, especially as girls get older and start having more complicated emotions. Just by being aware, we can begin to change our behavior and earn the trust of our daughters to open up to us, and here are some concrete things you can start doing now.

Help your daughter identify her feelings. Give her the words like angry, frustrated, sad, scared, annoyed, hopeless, sorry, guilty or ashamed. Make sure you also give her positive emotions to name as well: happy, proud, brave, loving, hopeful, grateful, excited, thrilled, etc. Sometimes it's difficult for young girls to put labels on their emotions because they don't have the language or ability to connect the feeling with a particular word, so providing a list of words can help get things started. Next, rate the feelings as mild, medium, strong, or over the top. Let your daughter decide for herself how intense her feelings are, and do NOT judge or comment.

With these tools, you can start the dialog about feelings. Open communications are the best way to sort out difficult feelings. Feelings can have physical reactions, and that's perfectly normal. Getting tense muscles, feeling knots in your stomach, sweating, shaking, blushing, heart pounding, or dizziness are physical reactions from your brain's messages that you are having intense feelings. Everyone has physical reactions to intense feelings. Talking about your feelings is one of the best ways to releive the physical discomforts, but in order to feel safe talking about your feelings, you have to have someone you can really trust on the other side of the conversation - someone who will listen and not judge and someone who will love you no matter what.

Some girls feel better if they wait to talk about their emotions until they have calmed down a bit. That's great too. Some things you can do to calm down include deep breathing, relaxation exercises, physical exercise, dancing, listening to music, doing a craft or hobby, or sleeping. These are all great ways to calm down the feelings so they are more manageable.

There are lots of great books that can help you find the communication skills to be a trusted confidant to your daughters. One of my favorites is How to Talk so Kids will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You can also read the American Girl "Body and Mind" books with your daughters. It's never too late (or too early) so get started!