Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry can be healthy in small doses, but often times the competition and fighting between siblings can get serious and have lasting consequences on a child's self-esteem. Of course, most sibling rivalry is about vying for the parent's love and attention - it usually has very little to do with the children's feelings towards each other. That's good news because it means we, as parents, can help. The first piece of advice I would give is to love your children uniquely. Most parents think they need to dole out the love in equal doses, so if one kid gets something, the other does too (even if she doesn't need it). I've heard many arguements of "you gave her more than me!" or "her piece is bigger than mine!" or even "you love her more than me!" Imagine how much trouble you can get into trying to be exactly equal all the time. Not only will your children's rivalry continue to escalate, you will probably go crazy! I heard about a dad who was making pancakes for his two daughters, and they kept complaining that the other had more or a bigger pancake or more syrup. The dad kept trying to make them both happy by making things equal, so he just kept making more pancakes trying for an exact size and shape, until he had run out of pancake batter - at which point everyone was still in a big fight! So here is a better way to handle this type of situation: Daughter #! says, "She has more than me! I want more!" Dad says, "Oh, are you still hungry? Would you like a half a pancake or are you hungry enough for a whole?" You can see that this response will dissipate the rivalry - each child gets what she needs, not what the other has. Have you ever bought one child a pair of socks even though she didn't need it - just because you were buying the other kid some socks and you didn't want any fighting? This type of equal treatment actually increases fighting and rivalry among siblings. A harder issue to deal with is claiming equal love for your children. When your child asks, "Do you love her more than me?", most parents will respond, "I love you both the same." I can promise you, your kids will never believe you if you say that! Instead you should say something like, "Each of you is special to be, and I love you just the way you are. You are my only Robin in the whole world, and there's no one else like you! I'm so lucky to have you for my daughter!" This makes Robin feel special and unique and takes her sibling out of the equation of who gets more love. It's important to give in terms of each child's needs and their individual personalities. Don't love your children equally - love them uniquely!