Friends - Good vs. Bad

Have you ever had to give up a friend because she brought you down? Maybe you can think of someone you are still friends with, but if you really think about it, she's not really a "good" friend because she's not good for you. It's important as adults that we surround ourselves with friends who lift us up rather than put us down, and as adults we can usually be a bit more rational about it and choose our close friends wisely. But, kids don't have it so easy when it comes to picking friends. Think back to when you were ten- or twelve-years-old. I know I always wanted to be in the popular crowd, but I felt like I never quite fit in. Even if I was included in some "popular girl" activities or was invited to a "popular girl" party, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in - never really inside the inner circle. It's hard to explain to a child or adolescent that some friends are not healthy for them. It seems so important and vital to our self-esteem to be in with the in-crowd, when actually it has the opposite effect. But you can't tell your daughter she is not as sophisticated as those girls, or that she is too emotionally fragile to hang out with those girls because that will crush her self-esteem even more. The best thing we can do as parents is keep the dialog open with our daughters all the time and continually point out what makes them unique and special. Point out the good qualities of friends who treat her well and bring out the best in her, and really listen to her feelings when she is upset about a situation with friends or peers. You can even sit down together and write out a list of qualities you admire in your best friends and perhaps those you do not like in your child's peers who make her feel badly. We've all experienced it as adults, so we know how it feels, and we have the perspective now to realize that even the cool girls are insecure and have issues. If you have that friend that puts you down or seems competitive, think about the low self-esteem she must be feeling to behave that way. It's a cycle worth breaking.