Friends - Good vs. Bad

Have you ever had to give up a friend because she brought you down? Maybe you can think of someone you are still friends with, but if you really think about it, she's not really a "good" friend because she's not good for you. It's important as adults that we surround ourselves with friends who lift us up rather than put us down, and as adults we can usually be a bit more rational about it and choose our close friends wisely. But, kids don't have it so easy when it comes to picking friends. Think back to when you were ten- or twelve-years-old. I know I always wanted to be in the popular crowd, but I felt like I never quite fit in. Even if I was included in some "popular girl" activities or was invited to a "popular girl" party, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in - never really inside the inner circle. It's hard to explain to a child or adolescent that some friends are not healthy for them. It seems so important and vital to our self-esteem to be in with the in-crowd, when actually it has the opposite effect. But you can't tell your daughter she is not as sophisticated as those girls, or that she is too emotionally fragile to hang out with those girls because that will crush her self-esteem even more. The best thing we can do as parents is keep the dialog open with our daughters all the time and continually point out what makes them unique and special. Point out the good qualities of friends who treat her well and bring out the best in her, and really listen to her feelings when she is upset about a situation with friends or peers. You can even sit down together and write out a list of qualities you admire in your best friends and perhaps those you do not like in your child's peers who make her feel badly. We've all experienced it as adults, so we know how it feels, and we have the perspective now to realize that even the cool girls are insecure and have issues. If you have that friend that puts you down or seems competitive, think about the low self-esteem she must be feeling to behave that way. It's a cycle worth breaking.

Pay it Inward

Do you ever find yourself looking at other people and feeling envious? It is easy to get caught up in the cycle of comparing yourself to others and never measuring up. I wrote a few days ago about this new "syndrome" called OC3 - Obsessive and Compulsive Comparing and Competing. It's where you're on a super-highway and can't get off, always moving at 100 miles per hour looking for ways to put yourself down. She's thinner than I am. She's more fashionable than I am. She's more successful than I am. She has more money, a better relationship, cuter kids, and the list goes on and on forever. I found that one way to at least slow down and maybe hit a rest stop on the super-highway is to just notice when it's happening. It's actually very simple. You just say to yourself, "there I go again." Then you can tell yourself to stop and turn your focus to something else. Every time it happens, do the same thing. Try to get outside of your own head and become a third-party disengaged observer. Don't judge yourself harshly for feeling envious or for even looking at other people in the first place. Just observe what you are saying to yourself, and then stop the internal dialog. Now I have one more step to add to the process: Pay it Inward. Say something nice about yourself every time you find yourself comparing negatively against other people. So, for example, when you see someone who looks like she has her life together much better than you do, first notice that you are comparing and stop yourself. Then say to yourself something like, "I am doing a great job at getting my life in order." Just a quick affirmation, and then move on. I think everyone experiences this type of comparing and competing at least occasionally, but for some people it is really a problem and does a number on their self-esteem. If you know someone, especially a young girl, who is constantly looking outward to form opinions of herself and her worth, try teaching her this skill. Slowly over time, she will improve her self-esteem and slow down or even get off the super-highway.

Helping Foster our Children's Self-Esteem

As parents, we have a lot of influence over our children's self-esteem. Especially mother to daughter and father to son. During their early years, children's self-esteem is based mostly on how they are treated by their parents. If they are loved, children feel important. It's pretty simple with young children. In fact, there are very few influencers on babies, who are mostly cared for by only one, two, or three adults at most. Things start to get a bit complicated as our sons and daughters head off to preschool or other activities outside the home. Now there are outside influences from other adults, as well as peer pressures from the other children. Also, the kids are getting bigger and smarter, and they are starting to realize what is important to the special adults in their lives. For example, if the parents put a lot of value on athletic ability, children will likely adopt some feelings of self-worth (either positive or negative) about their own skill and interest in athletics. As children grow, they become increasingly sensitive to being evaluated - both by their peers and by adults. With their peers, they may begin to evaluate themselves differently from the way they were taught at home, and with adults, they begin to sense the difference between idol praise and true appreciation. Our jobs as parents shift from being care givers to being developers of self-esteem. We can do this by staying true to our values and making sure our children understand our family values, so when they encounter pressures outside the home, they know what is expected and important within the family. We also need to treat our children with respect, in an age-appropriate manner. They are smarter than we think, and they will see right through us if we are not being honest and forthright. So don't just compliment your child at every opportunity. Instead, show some real interest in his or her activities. For example, if your child shows you an art project, don't just say it's nice or pretty; instead, ask her to explain it to you, why she picked those colors, what inspired her, and why she likes it. In this way, you are treating your child with respect and not just flattery.

What is OC3?

You've heard of OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but have you ever heard of OC3? This was new to me, but I recently read an article about it on the website www.selfesteem4women.com. It is Obsessive Compulsive Comparing and Competing, and according to the article, it can really do a number on your self-esteem. So I think it's kind of funny that psychologists come up with a name for everything - now OC3 is an actual diagnosis for a psychological condition. Give me a break! But seriously, I think girls and women especially do an unhealthy amount of comparison shopping. Who is prettier than me? Who has more money? Who has a cuter boyfriend? Better clothes? Whiter teeth? Bigger boobs? And the list goes on and on. But it's not that OC3 is bad for your self-esteem; the reason you might have OC3 in the first place is a result of low self-esteem stemming back to our formative years. We were not given the tools to be self-confident and self-assured from the time we were little. We were taught to look on the outside for our inner self-worth. We get on this super-highway of comparing and competing, and we just can't get off. There are so many images of perfection thrown at us every day, the threats are too numerous and too frequent to overcome. As adults, we can start to get off the super-highway (or at least slow down) by just realizing and noticing when that little voice pops up and says something competitive. "There it is. Stop now." Start to observe more and judge less, and you will find yourself slowing down little by little. And for the young girls in our lives, we can tell them every day that they are perfect just the way they are, on the inside and on the outside. We need to teach our daughters to embrace their differences, no matter how much society tries to make us all the same. Start the dialog young and keep the communications open and honest, and just keep believing that it's true, because it is!

Intuition

I went to yoga this morning, to a new place in Wellesley called A Little Yoga. It was very hot and very good. The teacher spoke a lot about intuition and trusting your intuition. She said we are born with abundant intuition, but as we grow older, we doubt ourselves and stop trusting our intuition. She encouraged us to use our intuition throughout the class to do what was best for our bodies. This inspired me to write a blog about intuition. According to the Random House dictionary, intuition is "direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension." In essence, it is insight and gut feelings which we all possess. Some people consider themselves more intuitive than others, but like my yoga teacher said, we are all born with abundant intuition. Babies know instinctively, without reasoning, exactly what they need at every given moment. So, is everyone naturally intuitive, or are some people more intuitive than others? I believe all people have strong intuitive powers, but they become latent when they are not developed. Instead, we rely on old habitual thinking patterns - what we have been taught is acceptable, profitable, and useful - and shut off our intuitive thought. The more self-confidence and awareness we possess, the more likely we are to trust our intuitions, and thus feel intuitive. Try paying more attention to your intuition, and see how strongly and how often it pops up in your everyday life situations. You can even keep track in a journal and see how often your intuition is right. Do you listen to your intuition or do you choose rational thought and ignore your inner voice. If you find that your gut reaction is usually the right answer, even if you didn't follow it, you'll learn something about yourself and your intuitiveness simply by paying attention.

An Adorable Beautiful Child

Here's a quick post for today. The other day, my brother told me that our mother said my daughter is funny-looking. Can you follow that? My mother thinks her adorable, beautiful four-year-old granddaughter is funny-looking. I had wondered why I felt so passionate about the subject of self-esteem, and why it kicked into gear so strongly when I had a daughter of my own (after three boys), and now I know the answer. I am the adult child of a critical parent, and I am scared silly to think that my daughter may feel the same insecurities growing up that I felt as a child (and still grapple with as a forty-something adult). First of all, who says things like that? That's just not normal! It's not really normal even to think such things, but to actually come out and say it is just plain nuts! A 75-year-old woman thinks her granddaughter - her own flesh and blood - is funny-looking. As a child, it's hard to separate your own feelings of self-worth with what your mentors, especially your mother, tells you. If your mother tells you you are fat or dumb, in whatever words she may use, you believe it wholeheartedly. As an adult, I can now see more objectively that my mother is putting her own insecurities on me and my daughter. Now I can see that she is nuts, not me. It's actually very complicated, and I now have learned to have empathy for my mother because clearly she suffers more than I do with issues of self-esteem and confidence. And her issues surely stemmed from her own mother...and so on and so on. It's time to break the cycle!

Why is having high self-esteem so important?

Self-esteem has an effect on every aspect of a person's life. Having high self-esteem means knowing and liking yourself for your own unique and special qualities. It means not being too self-conscious about body image or appearance and accepting your own natural beauty. Sounds so easy, and yet it is a lifelong struggle for many girls and women. An interesting statistic from Dove researchers is that most girls who were asked what person had the most powerful influence on their self-esteem answered "their mother". It is not celebrities or models or sports figures - it is the adult female mentor closest to the girls (usually the mother) who has the most influence over their self-esteem. That's good news because it means that if we, as mothers and mentors, are willing to invest in our young girls, we CAN make a difference. Girls with high self-esteem are more likely to try new things and have confidence in their abilities. They are more likely to have good friendships and be respectful to their peers. They are less likely to succumb to peer pressure, and therefore less likely to engage in risky behavior, such as sex, drugs, and alcohol. The fact is that girls with high self-esteem grow up to be successful women - successful wives, mothers, friends, and professionals. So my message for today is to tell the young girls in your life that they are limitless. Remind them often that they are beautiful both inside and out, and that they have the power and the right to be happy and confident.

My First Blog

Welcome to my first empowerment blog! As many of you know, I am the founder of Snip-its Haircuts for Kids, and after 15 years building my company, I am now just starting to branch out in to new areas. My passion, both personally and professionally, is self-esteem for girls. Why is it that so many women are so insecure? It doesn't matter whether they are pretty or successful or funny or powerful on the outside, they all feel insecure and lack confidence on the inside. I think it starts much earlier than we might want to believe. Ask a group of three- or four-year-old girls how many of them can sing or dance, and probably 100% will get up and start singing and dancing. They are limitless. Now, ask the same questions to a group of seven- or eight-year-old girls, and maybe (if you're lucky) 10% or 20% will say yes - though even those girls will probably not actually get up and dance for you. By about fourth grade, girls' self-esteem starts to drop dramatically, and it continues to suffer through middleschool and highschool. I hear so many women tell me it takes until they are 40 years old to finally start to find peace with who they are, what they stand for, and what they look like. This business of empowerment is clearly a lifelong journey.

Through this blog, I hope to bring you my thoughts on building self-esteem in girls, as well as the stories of other girls who have beat the odds to grow into empowered women. I look forward to hearing your stories too. Write to me.