It's more than acknowledging kid's feelings

I went to a yoga class today and was inspired to write this blog. Yoga teachers use a trick when you're stuck in an uncomfortable pose - they tell you a story about what happened to them earlier in the day or week. So there I was in half-pigeon, and the teacher told us a story. She was driving her kids home from a trip to Philadelphia, when her son had a panick attack about how long the trip was taking. She acknowledged his feelings by telling him, "I know you're having a hard time with this and you wish we could be home sooner." Then she continued by saying, "but, you getting nervous isn't going to make us get there any quicker. We don't have lightening suits to blast us to Boston any faster, so just sit tight, and we'll get there eventually."

Well, she got the first part right. Acknowledge your kid's feelings, both positive and negative. Often times, it's not until the negative feelings come out that the positive ones can come in. But the next part, she got all wrong. She negated his feelings by telling him that they weren't helping the situation. So often, I hear moms say the right thing, only to be followed by the big BUT that completely works against their goal. "I know you really want the cookie, but..." "I know you're really angry, but..." The next time you find yourself in this situation, don't finish your thought with a BUT. Instead, continue the train of thought you started with acknowledging the feeling, and then continue by allowing the child to fully express the emotion. One way to do this is by giving the child in his imagination what he can't have in reality.

Perhaps she could have said, "I know you're having a hard time with this and you wish we could be home sooner. Wouldn't it be cool if we all had lightening suits, and we could just beam ourselves home instantly?" Now she has opened a door into a very fun conversation about lightening suits that could actually make the car ride seem to go by faster. Plus, she has not put her son's feelings in a negative light, as she did with her version of the story.

So, step number one is to acknowledge the negative feelings without putting any conditional BUTS on it. Step number two is to allow the child to fully express himself, either in fantasy or some other way, such as drawing a picture, telling a story, or using a prop. Let me know how it goes. Namaste.

Making Connections

Remember I wrote an earlier blog about how I felt talking to people about Snip-its? Basically, unless I was the one doing the talking, I felt very disconnected from other people. But something amazing happened when I started talking to people about Empowered Girls. Suddenly, I was connecting! It felt amazing! I give my elevator pitch on Empowered Girls, and all of a sudden, I’m getting CEOs and investment bankers telling me about their kids, or their siblings, or their parents. And guess what, we are all just the same (only different) – people looking for acceptance, positive reinforcement, and human connections. Instead of, “Gee, Snip-its sounds like an interesting business. What are your EBITDA margins?”, With Empowered Girls, I’m getting, “Wow, I have a daughter in college, and I sure wish I could have understood her better in her preteen years.” Or, “Yeah, my sister struggles with her kids, and I can see it stemming back from the way our mother treated her.” Who knew that the CEO of a fortune 500 company is also the adult child of critical parents? It’s been an amazing revelation!

Suddenly the barriers come down, the professional demeanor is gone, and we are just two people relating about things more important (really!) than EBITDA margins. This revelation got me thinking about how making human connections might actually be a better way to do business. I know I feel a strong connection on a deeper level with my family and close friends; what would it be like to connect in the same way with my co-workers and community of business associates? Do you know that to this day I do not know if that first investor has children? I don’t know if he still works or is retired, or anything about him. It’s amazing really that he chose to invest in Snip-its – in me – when we really had no connection at all.

I started to think about the people I associate with in my Snip-its world – the stylists in the salons, the corporate team, my board of directors, and even the vendors, lawyers, and advisors I work with. There are a few who I felt connected to, but most I felt kind of nervous and distant around. It had to be all business. But those few I felt closer to – it became obvious – it was because we had made friends. We talked about our kids and our lives outside of work, and we made a connection. Then we started doing business. It is those people who have worked for or with Snip-its for the longest time. They work the hardest for me, and I work hard for them. Neither wants to let the other one down. And the relationship grows fruitfully.

Are you thinking about the people in your organization? I bet specific names come to mind. Either someone you have a strong bond with or maybe someone you realize you don’t even know if they are married or not. I read a book once that recommended the CEO should know every employee’s birthday, and not just that, know their children’s birthdays too, and send a card to their home address. Sounded like a good idea when I read it a decade ago, but now it just seems like a gimmick – an insincere way to trick your employees in to thinking you care. How could it possibly work? Especially when we don’t treat our employees as personal friends throughout day-to-day business dealings. Sometimes we don’t even think of our employees and associates as people, but rather a means to an end like a computer program or some other tool we need to get ahead.

And yet, we’ve all heard how people don’t leave companies; they leave people. Get the right people on the bus. All the fancy management tactics in the world won’t help if you’ve got the wrong people on the team. It’s always interpersonal conflict that causes problems, and there are thousands of books written to address these sorts of business issues. Some of them are actually pretty good, but most of them, quite frankly (and this is just my opinion), suck. They tell you what to say and how to behave to be a “winner”, but they – those authors and business experts – don’t even know you. And we are all too smart to fall for some scripted scheme designed to make us better communicators. Remember the books about active listening. You’re supposed to lean forward and say, “so what I hear you saying is…blah blah blah.” Would you really fall for that? It’s so fake.

I think the message here is that we have to get real and be human in our business relations. It's good for our spirit and it's good for business!

Giving Back

Empowered Girls is all about helping middle-school aged girls build their self-confidence and self-esteem. As someone who has battled self-esteem issues all her life, I come from the perspective that most women are like me and have struggled at least in parts of their lives with self-esteem issues. While that's likely true, there are many girls and women for whom self-esteem is not such a big issue. They may struggle from time to time or with certain areas of their lives, but for the mostpart, they are confident and feel good about themselves. There is an important issue that many girls face - regardless of whether or not they struggle with self-esteem. If they already know they are unique, talented and wonderful, they must figure out what to do with this power. How do I contribute my talents and strengths to the world? The answer is different for everyone, but it's an important conversation for mothers to have with their daughters starting in middle-school, especially for girls with low self-confidence. As parents, we need to help our daughters figure out how to use their talents and interests to give back. Either through charities, community organizations, or even just in the neighborhood, everyone should find some way to give back. It doesn't necessarily have to be helping those less fortunate, though that's always a worthy endeavor. It could be tutoring or teaching something you know to younger children, or organizing events that bring like-minded girls together. Whatever your daughters can do to give back will pay off with big rewards, including perhaps increased self-esteem!

Self-Esteem Workshop

I taught my first Empowered Girls Self-Esteem Workshop on June 14th. I was a lot of fun and very eye-opening, and I'd like to thank the girls and their moms who attended this first pilot test of the program. I've learned a few things already. First, this is a very important curriculum for all middleschool-aged girls and their mothers. It gets both mother and daughter thinking and talking about the subject of self-esteem - how we view ourselves and how we think about our self-worth. We started the workshop with introductions, and I asked the girls to say their names, something they think is beautiful about them, and something they like about their personalities. None of the girls could answer the question about what was beautiful about them. Either they were shy or embarassed or didn't want to seem conceited, but whatever the reason, it was a dramatic start to the session that the mothers and I all realized made the session all the more important. I think that by the end they could have answered the question more easily. As we went through the exercises and topics, the girls started to open up and feel more comfortable, and by the end, everyone had made new friends. Another thing I learned is that the workshops are as important, if not more important, for the moms as they are for the girls. The purpose of the workshop is to spark the conversations between mothers and daughters, and we definitely did that. There is no way anyone left the workshop without continuing to talk about some of the topics as they come up in real life. We did a section on peer pressure and one on the role of the media, and both got the mothers and daughters talking. All in all, I am proud of the work we did, and I am looking forward to refining the program and teaching more workshops around the MetroWest area of Boston. The summer will likely be slow, but check back to my website from time to time to check the schedule of workshops for the fall. Empowered girls rock!

The Transition from Snip-its to Empowered Girls

I spent 15 years as the founder and CEO of Snip-its, and I used to think I had a pretty awesome business – one that was interesting and easy to talk about. When people asked me about Snip-its, I was (and still am) very animated and passionate about the subject. But when I would interact with other CEOs and successful people, and the subject matter was not Snip-its, I would get very intimidated. Especially with people in high tech or financial jobs, I felt like a bumbling idiot, with nothing in common and no right to be associated in any way with such smart and successful people. People would tell me I was a typical entrepreneur and that all entrepreneurs are insecure and feel like they don’t measure up, but I couldn’t get over feeling like the only loser and faker in the crowd.

My insecurities stem way back to my formative years. I am the adult child of a very critical parent, and since I was told all my life that I wasn’t smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, or athletic enough, it’s no wonder that I am today a bundle of insecurities. I hide it well (sometimes), but underneath this confident exterior is a little kid who could never be as good at anything as her brother.

Now I am an adult, and I have four children, ranging from 5 to 18 in age. The youngest is my only girl. Somehow, my boys have grown up very confident and secure, but instantly when I became a mother of a little girl, I knew I had to get over myself if I was going to raise her to be confident, empowered, unique, strong, authentic, worthy, and beautiful from the inside out. Pretty big challenge in front of me – so much so that when the opportunity to step away from Snip-its arose, I decided to start a new venture around this idea of raising empowered girls. It’s called, guess what, Empowered Girls. The Company’s vision is to help build self-esteem in young girls so they can grow up into confident, successful, and happy women. Did you know:

*Up to age 7, girls generally have very high self-esteem. They feel limitless! But self-esteem begins to decline as girls become more aware of outside influences, opinions, and expectations.

*Girls ages 9 to 14 are most vulnerable to experience low self-esteem, which can lead to depression, reckless behavior, or even suicide.

*The most important influencer on a girl’s self-esteem is her mother – it’s not the media or peers, but rather the one adult female role model closest to the child.

*Many women say dealing with insecurities and low self-esteem is a life-long battle.

Empowered Girls provides the tools for young girls and their mothers (or other significant female role model) to develop and maintain high self-esteem, feel good about their unique talents and interests, and feel beautiful from the inside out. So far, Empowered Girls is just an idea I’m working on, pondering, and trying to figure out how to make it a viable business. I’ve created a self-esteem workshop for middle school-aged girls and their mothers, but I haven’t taught one yet (though my first one is on June 14th in Framingham MA if you or someone you know would like to sign up - it's free!). I also have a brilliant idea for a book, but of course, I haven’t started writing it yet. But, eventually I'll get to everything. For now, I'm just really enjoying thinking about and talking about my new venture, and seeing how people react. So far so good. In fact, I'm making better connections with people from all walks of life, CEO, techies, and financiers included, when the conversation starts with something so personal as one's self-esteem. I'm learning a lot, and I'll continue to share.

A Whole New Box to Think Outside

Business-speak often tells us to think outside the box, meaning to be creative and not stick to conventional wisdom. But there is a whole other box we are trapped inside that could be killing your self-esteem. It's the box of self-deception. We see things from our own perspective and not as they really are. Let me give you an example. You work hard at your job and hope to get promoted through the ranks to executive level. You're the first one at the office in the morning and the last one at night. You read lots of business books to help you manage your team, and you try really hard to be a fun, fair, and firm manager. Sometimes you miss your kid's soccer games because you put in hours on the weekend, and you are hoping that all this will pay off with a promotion and a raise. From your perspective, you are doing everything right, and yet you get passed up for the promotion by one of your colleagues who doesn't work half as hard as you do.

The problem here is that YOU are the problem, and you don't even know it. You are in a box inside your own head, and you can only see things from your perspective - the perspective described above. What if you could see yourself from other people's perspective? Your boss sees that you missed a deadline for an important project (even though in your head you're thinking you worked your butt off trying to make it happen, and you were only a day late). The people who report to you think you are too bossy and don't listen very well (even though you think you're a great listener - you even read a book on active listening). Your kid thinks work is more important to you than he is (although in your mind you justified missing the game by telling yourself you would go to the next one). In reality, you are inside the box and can't get out.

We are all guilty of being inside the box from time to time. We blame other people for our shortcomings or misfortunes, when we actually are simply not seeing things as they really are. Imagine if you could step outside the box and see things as a dispassionate observer, simply taking note of what you see. You would see things very differently, and maybe change your actions to be more in tune with the circumstances. You would look at yourself and others more objectively, and this would allow you to be more genuine and direct with people. You would be more in tune with what other people are thinking. Being outside the box gives you a wonderful opportunity to connect with people in a way that is authentic and truthful. In fact, we can always tell when someone is not being genuine - their words say one thing but their body language and tone say another. Business-speak only gets you so far when it's not authentically you speaking it.

Try spending a day as a dispassionate observer of your life. Try not to judge yourself too harshly when you cut someone off on your way to work because your commute is more important than the other guy's. Just notice how often we behave inside the box, taking only our own perspective into account when making decisions. You might find that the next day you are much more connected and tuned in to others. Your actions will follow your newfound connections, and you just might find a big boost in your self-esteem!

Emotions

It is our job as parents to help our daughters express their feelings, both positive and negative. Keeping things bottled in and feeling like no one understands can be very damaging to a girl's self-esteem, not to mention having potentially dangerous consequences like changes in appetite, loss of sleep, or anxiety. Many parents tell their children their feelings are wrong or incorrect. For example, have you ever told your daughter she must be cold and should wear a sweater, even though she tells you she is warm. Even this type of simple example is indicative of a bigger problem, especially as girls get older and start having more complicated emotions. Just by being aware, we can begin to change our behavior and earn the trust of our daughters to open up to us, and here are some concrete things you can start doing now.

Help your daughter identify her feelings. Give her the words like angry, frustrated, sad, scared, annoyed, hopeless, sorry, guilty or ashamed. Make sure you also give her positive emotions to name as well: happy, proud, brave, loving, hopeful, grateful, excited, thrilled, etc. Sometimes it's difficult for young girls to put labels on their emotions because they don't have the language or ability to connect the feeling with a particular word, so providing a list of words can help get things started. Next, rate the feelings as mild, medium, strong, or over the top. Let your daughter decide for herself how intense her feelings are, and do NOT judge or comment.

With these tools, you can start the dialog about feelings. Open communications are the best way to sort out difficult feelings. Feelings can have physical reactions, and that's perfectly normal. Getting tense muscles, feeling knots in your stomach, sweating, shaking, blushing, heart pounding, or dizziness are physical reactions from your brain's messages that you are having intense feelings. Everyone has physical reactions to intense feelings. Talking about your feelings is one of the best ways to releive the physical discomforts, but in order to feel safe talking about your feelings, you have to have someone you can really trust on the other side of the conversation - someone who will listen and not judge and someone who will love you no matter what.

Some girls feel better if they wait to talk about their emotions until they have calmed down a bit. That's great too. Some things you can do to calm down include deep breathing, relaxation exercises, physical exercise, dancing, listening to music, doing a craft or hobby, or sleeping. These are all great ways to calm down the feelings so they are more manageable.

There are lots of great books that can help you find the communication skills to be a trusted confidant to your daughters. One of my favorites is How to Talk so Kids will Listen (and Listen so Kids will Talk) by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You can also read the American Girl "Body and Mind" books with your daughters. It's never too late (or too early) so get started!

Communicating to Connect

Remember the old Charlie Brown cartoons where whenever the mom spoke, it sounded like "WaWaWa"? That actually holds a valuable lesson, and it's one that will help you communicate better, not only with your children, but with everyone you want to connect with in life. We hear what matters to us, and tune the rest out, so be sure your communications are relevant to your audience. It's a two-way street. How many times have you tuned out when your boss or your kids or someone on the phone is talking to you? And how often do you think other people tune you out when you are speaking?

It presents an interesting issue. So often, we speak for ourselves, not for the intended audience - or we don't change the words we are saying even after our audience has tuned us out. When you are speaking to someone, think about that person, not yourself, while you are talking. If you are face-to-face, really look at the person and see what they are thinking. When we get wrapped up in ourselves, either because we are nervous or self conscious, we lose our audience. Instead, try thinking about what the other person is thinking and feeling as you are speaking. Try to relax and get the blood flowing to your brain, so you're not on auto-pilot. See if you can find something positive in the other person and focus on that. You will be amazed at how you can connect with other people when you get out of your own head.

You can do the same thing when you are listening as well. Try not to get distracted, stay relaxed, and focus on the positive of the other person.

This works really well with children, who need a lot of positive affirmations to help build their confidence and self-esteem. When your daughter has something to say, really listen. Don't just say, "nice job" or "good girl". That's better than nothing, but what would be best is a specific comment on what you heard. "I like the way you handled that situation by getting your teacher involved." "You did a great job matching your outfit. The blue looks really nice with your eyes."

I guarantee you will see better communications and therefore better connections with the people who matter in your life.

Are you multi-tasking or just being rude?

I am writing this blog while listening in on a conference call from my office. It’s OK though because I’ve got my phone on mute, so nobody can hear the clicking of my keyboard. It makes me feel like I’m getting a lot done to be multitasking like this. While I listen, I sometimes order my groceries, shop on the Internet, review my emails and participate on the call. Sometimes I send an email to someone else who is on the same call, so they know what I am up to – and guess what? Almost always, I get a reply instantly. Are we multitasking or just being rude?

Norman Fischer, a well-known Zen teacher, says there is no such thing as multitasking. When we think we are doing many things at once, what we are really doing is switching from one thing to another in rapid succession. According to Fischer, the brain can only consciously focus on one thing at a time, so we really cannot ever do one task with the commitment it deserves.

For instance, have you ever driven home from work on autopilot? When you pull into your driveway, you wondered how you actually got there? Your mind was on something else entirely! This is an example of not being conscious that could lead to tragic consequences.

At the least, multitasking is rude – to your friends, family, co-workers, and even yourself. At the most, it could cost you dearly – with a tragic accident or the loss of relationships.

I’m not sure why we all feel the need to move through life at warp speed. Even as technology advances, supposedly making our lives more organized and easier, we still cannot keep up with all the information coming at us all day long. I think back to my father’s generation, and he did not even have an answering machine. Yet he was a very successful businessman. I think we could all stand to slow down and be more mindful and present.

I admit that I am a multitasker, sometimes at the expense of common courtesy or present focus. But I am making a commitment to at least try to be more courteous and focused. I believe it will improve my health, my relationships, and my life. Gotta go, so I can pay attention to my conference call!

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry can be healthy in small doses, but often times the competition and fighting between siblings can get serious and have lasting consequences on a child's self-esteem. Of course, most sibling rivalry is about vying for the parent's love and attention - it usually has very little to do with the children's feelings towards each other. That's good news because it means we, as parents, can help. The first piece of advice I would give is to love your children uniquely. Most parents think they need to dole out the love in equal doses, so if one kid gets something, the other does too (even if she doesn't need it). I've heard many arguements of "you gave her more than me!" or "her piece is bigger than mine!" or even "you love her more than me!" Imagine how much trouble you can get into trying to be exactly equal all the time. Not only will your children's rivalry continue to escalate, you will probably go crazy! I heard about a dad who was making pancakes for his two daughters, and they kept complaining that the other had more or a bigger pancake or more syrup. The dad kept trying to make them both happy by making things equal, so he just kept making more pancakes trying for an exact size and shape, until he had run out of pancake batter - at which point everyone was still in a big fight! So here is a better way to handle this type of situation: Daughter #! says, "She has more than me! I want more!" Dad says, "Oh, are you still hungry? Would you like a half a pancake or are you hungry enough for a whole?" You can see that this response will dissipate the rivalry - each child gets what she needs, not what the other has. Have you ever bought one child a pair of socks even though she didn't need it - just because you were buying the other kid some socks and you didn't want any fighting? This type of equal treatment actually increases fighting and rivalry among siblings. A harder issue to deal with is claiming equal love for your children. When your child asks, "Do you love her more than me?", most parents will respond, "I love you both the same." I can promise you, your kids will never believe you if you say that! Instead you should say something like, "Each of you is special to be, and I love you just the way you are. You are my only Robin in the whole world, and there's no one else like you! I'm so lucky to have you for my daughter!" This makes Robin feel special and unique and takes her sibling out of the equation of who gets more love. It's important to give in terms of each child's needs and their individual personalities. Don't love your children equally - love them uniquely!

Friends - Good vs. Bad

Have you ever had to give up a friend because she brought you down? Maybe you can think of someone you are still friends with, but if you really think about it, she's not really a "good" friend because she's not good for you. It's important as adults that we surround ourselves with friends who lift us up rather than put us down, and as adults we can usually be a bit more rational about it and choose our close friends wisely. But, kids don't have it so easy when it comes to picking friends. Think back to when you were ten- or twelve-years-old. I know I always wanted to be in the popular crowd, but I felt like I never quite fit in. Even if I was included in some "popular girl" activities or was invited to a "popular girl" party, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in - never really inside the inner circle. It's hard to explain to a child or adolescent that some friends are not healthy for them. It seems so important and vital to our self-esteem to be in with the in-crowd, when actually it has the opposite effect. But you can't tell your daughter she is not as sophisticated as those girls, or that she is too emotionally fragile to hang out with those girls because that will crush her self-esteem even more. The best thing we can do as parents is keep the dialog open with our daughters all the time and continually point out what makes them unique and special. Point out the good qualities of friends who treat her well and bring out the best in her, and really listen to her feelings when she is upset about a situation with friends or peers. You can even sit down together and write out a list of qualities you admire in your best friends and perhaps those you do not like in your child's peers who make her feel badly. We've all experienced it as adults, so we know how it feels, and we have the perspective now to realize that even the cool girls are insecure and have issues. If you have that friend that puts you down or seems competitive, think about the low self-esteem she must be feeling to behave that way. It's a cycle worth breaking.

Pay it Inward

Do you ever find yourself looking at other people and feeling envious? It is easy to get caught up in the cycle of comparing yourself to others and never measuring up. I wrote a few days ago about this new "syndrome" called OC3 - Obsessive and Compulsive Comparing and Competing. It's where you're on a super-highway and can't get off, always moving at 100 miles per hour looking for ways to put yourself down. She's thinner than I am. She's more fashionable than I am. She's more successful than I am. She has more money, a better relationship, cuter kids, and the list goes on and on forever. I found that one way to at least slow down and maybe hit a rest stop on the super-highway is to just notice when it's happening. It's actually very simple. You just say to yourself, "there I go again." Then you can tell yourself to stop and turn your focus to something else. Every time it happens, do the same thing. Try to get outside of your own head and become a third-party disengaged observer. Don't judge yourself harshly for feeling envious or for even looking at other people in the first place. Just observe what you are saying to yourself, and then stop the internal dialog. Now I have one more step to add to the process: Pay it Inward. Say something nice about yourself every time you find yourself comparing negatively against other people. So, for example, when you see someone who looks like she has her life together much better than you do, first notice that you are comparing and stop yourself. Then say to yourself something like, "I am doing a great job at getting my life in order." Just a quick affirmation, and then move on. I think everyone experiences this type of comparing and competing at least occasionally, but for some people it is really a problem and does a number on their self-esteem. If you know someone, especially a young girl, who is constantly looking outward to form opinions of herself and her worth, try teaching her this skill. Slowly over time, she will improve her self-esteem and slow down or even get off the super-highway.

Helping Foster our Children's Self-Esteem

As parents, we have a lot of influence over our children's self-esteem. Especially mother to daughter and father to son. During their early years, children's self-esteem is based mostly on how they are treated by their parents. If they are loved, children feel important. It's pretty simple with young children. In fact, there are very few influencers on babies, who are mostly cared for by only one, two, or three adults at most. Things start to get a bit complicated as our sons and daughters head off to preschool or other activities outside the home. Now there are outside influences from other adults, as well as peer pressures from the other children. Also, the kids are getting bigger and smarter, and they are starting to realize what is important to the special adults in their lives. For example, if the parents put a lot of value on athletic ability, children will likely adopt some feelings of self-worth (either positive or negative) about their own skill and interest in athletics. As children grow, they become increasingly sensitive to being evaluated - both by their peers and by adults. With their peers, they may begin to evaluate themselves differently from the way they were taught at home, and with adults, they begin to sense the difference between idol praise and true appreciation. Our jobs as parents shift from being care givers to being developers of self-esteem. We can do this by staying true to our values and making sure our children understand our family values, so when they encounter pressures outside the home, they know what is expected and important within the family. We also need to treat our children with respect, in an age-appropriate manner. They are smarter than we think, and they will see right through us if we are not being honest and forthright. So don't just compliment your child at every opportunity. Instead, show some real interest in his or her activities. For example, if your child shows you an art project, don't just say it's nice or pretty; instead, ask her to explain it to you, why she picked those colors, what inspired her, and why she likes it. In this way, you are treating your child with respect and not just flattery.

What is OC3?

You've heard of OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but have you ever heard of OC3? This was new to me, but I recently read an article about it on the website www.selfesteem4women.com. It is Obsessive Compulsive Comparing and Competing, and according to the article, it can really do a number on your self-esteem. So I think it's kind of funny that psychologists come up with a name for everything - now OC3 is an actual diagnosis for a psychological condition. Give me a break! But seriously, I think girls and women especially do an unhealthy amount of comparison shopping. Who is prettier than me? Who has more money? Who has a cuter boyfriend? Better clothes? Whiter teeth? Bigger boobs? And the list goes on and on. But it's not that OC3 is bad for your self-esteem; the reason you might have OC3 in the first place is a result of low self-esteem stemming back to our formative years. We were not given the tools to be self-confident and self-assured from the time we were little. We were taught to look on the outside for our inner self-worth. We get on this super-highway of comparing and competing, and we just can't get off. There are so many images of perfection thrown at us every day, the threats are too numerous and too frequent to overcome. As adults, we can start to get off the super-highway (or at least slow down) by just realizing and noticing when that little voice pops up and says something competitive. "There it is. Stop now." Start to observe more and judge less, and you will find yourself slowing down little by little. And for the young girls in our lives, we can tell them every day that they are perfect just the way they are, on the inside and on the outside. We need to teach our daughters to embrace their differences, no matter how much society tries to make us all the same. Start the dialog young and keep the communications open and honest, and just keep believing that it's true, because it is!

Intuition

I went to yoga this morning, to a new place in Wellesley called A Little Yoga. It was very hot and very good. The teacher spoke a lot about intuition and trusting your intuition. She said we are born with abundant intuition, but as we grow older, we doubt ourselves and stop trusting our intuition. She encouraged us to use our intuition throughout the class to do what was best for our bodies. This inspired me to write a blog about intuition. According to the Random House dictionary, intuition is "direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension." In essence, it is insight and gut feelings which we all possess. Some people consider themselves more intuitive than others, but like my yoga teacher said, we are all born with abundant intuition. Babies know instinctively, without reasoning, exactly what they need at every given moment. So, is everyone naturally intuitive, or are some people more intuitive than others? I believe all people have strong intuitive powers, but they become latent when they are not developed. Instead, we rely on old habitual thinking patterns - what we have been taught is acceptable, profitable, and useful - and shut off our intuitive thought. The more self-confidence and awareness we possess, the more likely we are to trust our intuitions, and thus feel intuitive. Try paying more attention to your intuition, and see how strongly and how often it pops up in your everyday life situations. You can even keep track in a journal and see how often your intuition is right. Do you listen to your intuition or do you choose rational thought and ignore your inner voice. If you find that your gut reaction is usually the right answer, even if you didn't follow it, you'll learn something about yourself and your intuitiveness simply by paying attention.

An Adorable Beautiful Child

Here's a quick post for today. The other day, my brother told me that our mother said my daughter is funny-looking. Can you follow that? My mother thinks her adorable, beautiful four-year-old granddaughter is funny-looking. I had wondered why I felt so passionate about the subject of self-esteem, and why it kicked into gear so strongly when I had a daughter of my own (after three boys), and now I know the answer. I am the adult child of a critical parent, and I am scared silly to think that my daughter may feel the same insecurities growing up that I felt as a child (and still grapple with as a forty-something adult). First of all, who says things like that? That's just not normal! It's not really normal even to think such things, but to actually come out and say it is just plain nuts! A 75-year-old woman thinks her granddaughter - her own flesh and blood - is funny-looking. As a child, it's hard to separate your own feelings of self-worth with what your mentors, especially your mother, tells you. If your mother tells you you are fat or dumb, in whatever words she may use, you believe it wholeheartedly. As an adult, I can now see more objectively that my mother is putting her own insecurities on me and my daughter. Now I can see that she is nuts, not me. It's actually very complicated, and I now have learned to have empathy for my mother because clearly she suffers more than I do with issues of self-esteem and confidence. And her issues surely stemmed from her own mother...and so on and so on. It's time to break the cycle!

Why is having high self-esteem so important?

Self-esteem has an effect on every aspect of a person's life. Having high self-esteem means knowing and liking yourself for your own unique and special qualities. It means not being too self-conscious about body image or appearance and accepting your own natural beauty. Sounds so easy, and yet it is a lifelong struggle for many girls and women. An interesting statistic from Dove researchers is that most girls who were asked what person had the most powerful influence on their self-esteem answered "their mother". It is not celebrities or models or sports figures - it is the adult female mentor closest to the girls (usually the mother) who has the most influence over their self-esteem. That's good news because it means that if we, as mothers and mentors, are willing to invest in our young girls, we CAN make a difference. Girls with high self-esteem are more likely to try new things and have confidence in their abilities. They are more likely to have good friendships and be respectful to their peers. They are less likely to succumb to peer pressure, and therefore less likely to engage in risky behavior, such as sex, drugs, and alcohol. The fact is that girls with high self-esteem grow up to be successful women - successful wives, mothers, friends, and professionals. So my message for today is to tell the young girls in your life that they are limitless. Remind them often that they are beautiful both inside and out, and that they have the power and the right to be happy and confident.

My First Blog

Welcome to my first empowerment blog! As many of you know, I am the founder of Snip-its Haircuts for Kids, and after 15 years building my company, I am now just starting to branch out in to new areas. My passion, both personally and professionally, is self-esteem for girls. Why is it that so many women are so insecure? It doesn't matter whether they are pretty or successful or funny or powerful on the outside, they all feel insecure and lack confidence on the inside. I think it starts much earlier than we might want to believe. Ask a group of three- or four-year-old girls how many of them can sing or dance, and probably 100% will get up and start singing and dancing. They are limitless. Now, ask the same questions to a group of seven- or eight-year-old girls, and maybe (if you're lucky) 10% or 20% will say yes - though even those girls will probably not actually get up and dance for you. By about fourth grade, girls' self-esteem starts to drop dramatically, and it continues to suffer through middleschool and highschool. I hear so many women tell me it takes until they are 40 years old to finally start to find peace with who they are, what they stand for, and what they look like. This business of empowerment is clearly a lifelong journey.

Through this blog, I hope to bring you my thoughts on building self-esteem in girls, as well as the stories of other girls who have beat the odds to grow into empowered women. I look forward to hearing your stories too. Write to me.